Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Decorating The Tree - With Cats

THE BIG THING:  I have sometimes seen lists like this about various experiences People have with their cats, but I thought it would be fun to just sit down and make one up myself.

How To Decorate a Christmas Tree With Cats

1. Put tree in stand, set upright.
2. When cats climb tree and knock it over, set upright again.
3. Decorate tree.
4. When cats knock off lower glass ornaments, sweep floor of glass shards.
5. Move all glass ornaments to top half of tree.
6. When cats knock off soft ornaments from bottom of tree, sweep floor of shredded cloth and fluff.
7. Move all ornaments to top half of tree.
8. When cats climb tree and knock it over again, set upright again.
9. Sweep floor of glass shards.
10. Place a large sheet of plywood on floor, screw tree stand to plywood.
 11. Try to move plywood and tree into place.
 12. Unscrew tree stand when you realize you have screwed the stand through plywood and into the floor.
 13. Build small base under plywood.
 14. Reattach tree stand to plywood.
 15. Since bare plywood looks ugly, cover with a bright sheet.
 16. Leave room to get presents to put under tree.
 17. When you return, admire the way the cats have pulled off the sheet and have dragged it into the next room.
 18. Staple sheet onto plywood base.
 19. Place presents under tree.
 20. Leave room to hang wreath on door.
 21. Listen with admiration while cats shred wrapping paper off presents.
 22. Tape gift wrap best as possible.
 23. Spray “Cat-Off” on all presents.
 24. Remove cat from top of tree.
 25. Fashion tree trunk guard of chicken wire after lopping off branches from lower half of tree.
 26. Go looking for extension cord to plug in tree lights.
 27. Upon return, undo chicken wire to free cat that has somehow gotten trapped inside it.
 28. Redo trunk guard and crimp top to prevent cat re-entry.
 29. Watch cats commence to shredding the wrapping paper sprayed with “Cat-Off”.
 30. Build chicken wire enclosure all around tree.
 31. Put away tools.
 32. Upon return, observe cat inside chicken wire enclosure crying for release.
 33. Disassemble chicken wire enclosure.
 34. Remove now-sleeping cat.
 35. Disassemble chicken wire tree trunk guard.
 36. Remove decorations from tree.
 37. Remove tree from stand and toss outside.
 38. Disassemble plywood base.
 39. Put presents in attic.
 40. Visit catless neighbor.
 41. Admire their beautiful tree and take pictures.
 42. Post tree pictures in room.
 43. Email all your non-visiting relatives pictures of “your tree”.
 44. Especially if they have cats...
 45. Tell visiting relatives that you “decided to donate the cost of a tree to charity this year”.
 46. Gather up all your cats, give them scritches and treats, and tell them you love them (which is true).

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Wonderful New Year!